Being a parent is incredibly demanding work and our self worth is irrevocably tied to our measure of “success”. Success is a completely arbitrary measure! From the outside looking in, it’s so easy to think that someone “has it all together” or somehow manages to “do it all”. The simple truth though, is that most of us don’t even come close to this ideal…and that’s OK!
Excelling in one area, means that many other areas are taking a back seat. That mom who shows up with the beautifully made cupcakes and treats for every birthday or school event? Her mother is ailing and she bakes and crafts to keep her brain from considering the possibility of loss. That dad who volunteers for every work project and always seems one step ahead? Well, he is one step away from foreclosure and never makes it to his daughter’s soccer games. It is so easy to see a snapshot of someone’s life and believe that it encapsulates everything about them. However, it’s the story behind the smallest moments that are really worth learning about. There is no-one who “has it all”.
Rich or poor, sad or happy, engaging or shy, life of the party or withdrawn. These are all just small facets of who we are in any given moment. With the explosion of social media and the ease of communication, one would hope we would become more connected. Yet it seems that more than ever our society causes us to withdraw from one another and live our lives in isolation.
Despite the isolation, we are constantly competing with ourselves and others to chase an indiscernible goal post. The the constant urge to be better, richer, happier drives us to live frantically. It has become so commonplace that we rarely stop to ask why. Are there studies showing that our kids will be smarter if they have four activities a week plus music lessons? Will they lead more fulfilling lives because they’re always chasing the next best thing rather than enjoying life’s simple moments?
I see this every day when I’m interacting with my children. Often, I’ll find myself racing around the house, scrambling to get ready with three children in tow so we can all get to school and work on time. Inevitably, one or all of them will want something from me at the exact wrong moment and I’ll snap. Seconds later, it all becomes clear and I quickly understand they were trying to help in their own way. In the moment I was too frazzled and distracted to pay attention. The moment might be gone, but I still try to take the time later to show them that I appreciated their effort. I make a million mistakes a day and that will never change. But I will always strive to find meaning in those mistakes so that I can keep moving forward.
Are there days when you want to crawl back into bed and ignore the world? Do you have days when you wonder how the heck you got here? Has your self worth plummeted into a dark abyss? Do you have a list a mile long of all the things you feel you need to do, or need to learn? All those thoughts swirling around in your head? Yeah, I’ve got them too.
Often it feels paralyzing, like there’s no way forward.
Here are a few ways to take that first step:
1. No one is perfect. Everyone you think is acing it? They’ve got their own problems. Try to give yourself and others a bit of grace. Take a second to connect with someone.
2. What’s the hurdle immediately in front of you? What’s the one thing you can do RIGHT NOW to make it better? Then find the next thing, and the next.
3. Stand back and look at the big picture, remember how much worse things were a month, a week, a minute ago? You’ve got this.
4. REMEMBER! Somebody loves you madly, deeply, unconditionally.
5. Be strong, think strong and nothing will hold you back.
Take the time you need to wallow, take the time you need to breakdown, take the time you need to cry. Then get back up and do it all again.
Making the choice to keep moving and find a better way? Those are the moments that will lead to unexpected joy. Find the joy.
Ever gotten really peeved at work and managed a few cutting remarks that left you feeling vindicated? Have you had a moment when you screamed at your spouse/parent/sibling/friend/child and suddenly realized you weren’t alone in the parking lot? Had that awful feeling in your gut a few hours later as you replayed the scene in your head? Did you spend the night squirming in embarrassment wondering how you could show your face in public ever again?
Well, there’s nothing quite like having your worst moments acted out for you, out loud and in person…by your four-year-old.
There are few things I’ve experienced that are quite so humbling as having children. Not only do you deal with the awe, the joy, the humiliations and the frustrations that make being a first-time parent incredibly overwhelming. You also experience the gut-wrenching shame spiral that ensues when you witness your darling child trying on all your snippy remarks and exhaustion fueled set-downs.
We all try to be good role models and decent human beings, sure. But in the privacy of your own home, you know you’re far from the pillar of humankind that you encourage your children to be. Sometimes, they are better role models than we could ever be. You can admit it, this is a safe zone. No judgements here.
We’ve been dealing with some adjustment problems with our two-year-old (since the addition of baby #3) and have been spending a lot of time trying to keep our little chaos bubble from spinning out of control. Once we manage one hurdle, another gauntlet is thrown into our paths and we lug our exhausted bodies out of the ditch and trudge ever onward. There’s nothing quite like having notes sent home about your toddler’s behavior in daycare week after week. We’ve moved from shoving other kids, to tackling them, to punching them in the nose (self confessed), to screaming “NO!” all. the. time. Our darling girl?! Never…
That’s not to say she’s not sweet and loving and everything nice. Just don’t stand in her way, she’s got strong opinions and is not afraid to show them. I know I’ll appreciate her strength and conviction one day, when she’s 30. Maybe.
The crux of the matter is that we’re all learning, as individuals, as a family unit and as a community. It’s painful, it’s frustrating as all get out and it’s incredibly humbling. In the moment, it feels agonizing. With a little perspective, it starts to resemble growth and gosh darnit, maybe even feels a little rewarding.
It’s empowering to know that we are a work in progress. We are NOT perfect role models. We are not finished. We are aspiring to be something better, we are inspiring these little minds (though not always in the best ways, if we’re honest), and we are growing with each and every awkward, imperfect step.
Failure is not an option, it’s an inevitability. It may not be pretty or Pinterest worthy, but it’s life and it has meaning and it helps us to be better people. Own it.
It’s been a whirlwind these past few weeks, chock full of family gatherings, last-minute shopping, teething babies, tantrums, get-togethers with friends that have been put off far too long and the list goes on. We’re exhausted!
While the interruptions to our routine have been fun, they’ve also added a whole new dynamic of behavior issues…especially with the 3-year-old. We’ve always been very flexible with our routine, but she needs a certain amount of down-time to stay on the straight and narrow. It will be a relief when things start to settle back to normal.
Despite all the angst, we look forward to this time of year for months! We love the anticipation and the joy of spending time with friends and relatives we don’t see very often. We remember fondly last years promises to see each other more often, yet life inevitably gets in the way. These moments are precious and we’d pay for them in sweat and tears a million times over. Not everyone is so fortunate and we know that we are blessed.
So from our sleep deprived and tumultuous household to yours, we wish you a blessed Christmas and hope the rosy glow continues long after the holidays have ended. Whether you have little ones or not, we hope a little Christmas magic finds its way into your heart.